The Jalopnik Staff, As My Fictional Social Relations, Based Solely On Photos

"VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely" (vajazzlemcdildertits)
03/11/2018 at 08:00 • Filed to: idunnowhyididthis, fanfic, earlymorning, oppofiction, completeshit

On a whim I went to Jalopnik’s about page and decided to write little micro stories about each staff member. I just had the thought “let’s make up some mini stories about people’s faces.”

Disclaimer: I don’t really know anything about them. These are done off the cuff based on the provided pictures alone. People below as described may not actually resemble the people in real life. All photos shamelessly borrowed from their twitter feed or google image search without much effort. Order of names taken from their About page.

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Patrick - Fictional relation: Close Work Acquaintance.
Smart, but casual. He works as director of a department at work that does a lot of stuff with my department. Everyone comes over to his place to watch the Super Bowl. He makes the dopest dip and likes the car wallpaper screensaver I sent him.

Ballaban - Fictional relation: Old College Buddy

He looks like we met in Junior year of University at a party where Mario Kart was being played. We clearly spent so much time drunkenly fighting each other in each race that we came in last and second to last respectively every time. We send each other emails of funny animals and his wife sends us a card every Christmas.

Erin - Fictional relation: Insurance claimant, book signer

Back in my young days of driving I tried to turn in a parking lot without good visibility and hit her parked car’s bumper, resulting in an insurance claim against me and a penalty on my license. She was completely cool about it, though, and I was shamefully apologetic. She later wrote a popular book, which I got her autograph for at a book signing. She didn’t recognize me.

Torch - Fictional relation: Good Friend met through work

Worked in the same company together but not very long. We’d wind up meeting through connected social circles, and we’d instantly get up to some crazy ass shit. Burnt eyebrows are probably involved. A few people suspect we’re marginally gay for each other but it’s just bad timing on jokes out of context.

Raph - Fictional Relation: Decent Acquaintances, Car Wrench buddy

Despite meeting and getting along during a Thanksgiving get together, I seem to only call him if I have car trouble. He was starting to get sick of it until I bought him a really nice gift for the holidays and also started buying him beer and pizza every time I call for a favor.

Erik - Fictional Relation: Cousin’s Husband

Outside of weird family get-togethers we don’t speak. The most significant thing we seem to have in common is a fondness for whisky and Minimalist Techno.

Andrew - Fictional Relation: Guy who keeps beating me at Go Karts

For some reason we keep running into each other at the same Go Karting facility and we now know each other by name, although that’s it. I have never bested his record lap time, or even come closer than half a second behind.

Raymond -Fictional Relation: Friends through car group

We both drove the same year Subaru Outback and wound up in the same forums and local car meets, eventually winding up in the same social circle. He’s better at Trivial Pursuit and Cards against Humanity than I will ever be. He also eventually sold his car to buy a late model V6 Honda Accord.

Adam - Fictional Relation: Gym buddy

I’ve been trying to catch up to his 9 minute mile for about half a year now with little success. He told me repeatedly that the cigarettes I smoked would cost me dearly, and he lords it over me after workouts when we grab fruit smoothies. He played StarCraft against me once and I destroyed him, which is my sole comfort as he obliterates me in racquetball every gym session.

Ryan - Fictional Relation: Junior high rival turned success story

We used to ride the same bus to school. I arm wrestled him once in Junior High and I beat him. He went on to date the girl I had a crush on in high school and graduated with a higher GPA, awarding him the scholarship that I was gunning for. He runs and organizes the FB group for our high school Alumnus Group, and his wife is hot.

David - Fictional Relation: Study Group answer borrower

Basically without his homework and lab notes from Physics II in college I would not have passed the class. In turn I gave him a copy of every single music album and movie I had that he wanted. He is on my Facebook but he moved to a different town after graduation (with a much better job) so we don’t hang out much.

Kristen - Fictional Relation: Foodie Friends

We met through the same foodie meetup group events and eventually wound up both taking part in several of their potlucks. My Thai Spring Rolls came out mediocre, although her Pad Thai attempt was lauded by the group. We have strongly contrasting opinions about oysters but both enjoy Keanu Reeves movies.

Stef - Fictional Relation: Friend Wife and Hobby Pro

Met her as she was dating (now married) to one of my best friends, but she also is a veteran of our local SCCA chapter and helped my noob self get involved and running during events as well. I challenged her to a beer shotgunning contest and almost won, but got disqualified when all the beer immediately came back out of my nose and mouth when I burped after the last chug.

Alanis - Fictional Relation: Was in the same club in High School

We were both in the photo club and once were assigned to the same project which turned out to be a collage of her cat. Somehow she got an A and I got a B+. I tried to ask her out and she turned me down very politely. We wound up going to different colleges and never spoke again, although for some reason one of the cat pictures wound up in my computer backups.

Justin - Fictional Relation: Star of my viral YT video and then sold me his old car

In our early 20's I filmed a video of him attempting to ride down an escalator armrail and falling on his face, then getting up, slipping, and hitting the corner of a nearby bench with his balls, that went semi-viral on Youtube. Later on, he sold me his old Mazda3 as he was preparing to buy a Challenger R/T.

....Yeah I dunno why I did this. It seemed like a good idea when I started.

DISCUSSION (16)

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 09:38

Those are freakishly true, especially for Andrew, David, & Patrick.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
03/11/2018 at 09:49

I want to believe these fictional versions exist in some parallel dimension and that I have met them.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 09:53

I’ve met those 3.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
03/11/2018 at 09:57

That’s freaking awesome.

interstate366, now In The Industry > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 09:58

I have no idea who half these people are.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 10:01

I could not beat Andrew at their Karting event back in January. I had the good lines, still couldn’t beat him.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
03/11/2018 at 10:03

I haven’t even read the post about that event yet! I’ll have to go find out who the winners were.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > interstate366, now In The Industry
03/11/2018 at 10:05

I encourage you to make up stories about their faces, and if you don’t wish to do that, you can always find out what they do by going to the about page I liked.

Or, you can eat some bacon. I’m not here to make you do anything.

Wheelerguy > interstate366, now In The Industry
03/11/2018 at 10:06

IKR? Who’s this Torchinsky bloke, anyway?

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 10:51

There’s no contest. Eating bacon is considerably less effort than what you’re proposing. And SO much more rewarding.

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 11:01

Kinja'd!!!

I see a man with the grim determination to finish a project car he’s been working on for the better part of a decade. Someone who’s been forced to endure the indignity of public transportation for far too long, and has reached the breaking point.

Kinja'd!!!

AkursedX > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 11:19

This is great Oppo!

B/Xmrrmvr > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 12:01

All I know is that most of them are NYC transplants who had to learn about cars and started off writing about other topics before they moved to cars.

Quadradeuce > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 14:08

Jalopnik: The Whitest Kids You Know

interstate366, now In The Industry > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely
03/11/2018 at 16:44

Let’s see: hipster douche, hipster douche, fake glasses, hipster douche, hipster douche, hipster douche, Sub Focus impersonator, hipster douche, guy who couldn’t get an on-screen role in porn so he settled for an off-screen role, hipster douche, nerd, stereotypical Asian girl who wishes she was white, girl who would want to date me but I wouldn’t want to date her because I felt like I could do just a little bit better, girl who wouldn’t date me, 12-year-old with a microphone for some reason.

The Compromiser > Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom
03/11/2018 at 19:26

I’m thinking one bad day away from “Falling Down”